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40 jokes so far...more to come, site will be added to from time to time, check this page again in future for updates and new jokes...

A train is about to crash! A frantic virgin strips off & says can anyone make me
feel like a woman before I die? So a man takes off his clothes & says iron these!

If your right leg was Easter and Your left leg was Christmas,
Could I meet U between the holidays?

3 sisters. Ann, Jan & fanny all have big feet, Ann & Jan go on a date,
1 of the boys says "Jesus u have big feet "Ann replies "u should see our fannies they're huge!

He came 2 me 1 night...explored my body...licked-sucked-swallowed & had his fill...
when satisfied he left...I was hurt... F***IN MOSQUITO

Last night I wanted u. needed u so badly that it hurt. wanted 2 taste u.
I wanted u in me so u could work ur magic on me...but i couldn't find u. u stupid PARACETAMOL!

Chicken and egg in bed, chicken has head on pillow smoking.
Egg rolls over pissed off saying "i guess we answered that question"

A midget puts springs on his hands and feet before he has sex with a 6 foot blonde bird.

He gives her the best shag she's ever had. He calls it - "The Four Sprung Dwarf Technique"

His wife said "You should have shown them your cock, and we could have got disability too"

1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

  2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

  3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when say the paint is wet?

  4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

  5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

  6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

  7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a   gun at him?

  8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

  9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

  10 What is the speed of darkness?

  11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?

  12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

  13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be

  twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

   14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

  15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the
others doing here?

  16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it
  only seem longer?

  17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit
  suicide, is it a hostage situation?

  18 Can you cry under water?

  19 What level of importance must a person have , before they are

  considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

  20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have
  branches?

  21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

  22 How is it that we
put man on the moon before we figured out it
  would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?

  23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
  babies wake up, like, every two hours?

  24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
  hearing?

  25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
  in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

  26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or
  close the cubicle curtain while you change? .....They're still going to see you
naked anyway.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door > #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

My wife doesn't like the old car I got her, she said she wants something that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds

e-mail one

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping

coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Regards,

Project Leader

e-mail two

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.

Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,

Project Leader

A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard before remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained her hands were cold. So he decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate, not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful. Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he bought a stylish pair of cream colored leather gloves.

At the same time, the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked for their purchases to be gift-wrapped. Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with the gift-wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves. The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door accompanied by the following note:

Happy Birthday Darling, I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white buttons, but she wears short ones and they're easier to pull off. I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant showed me the pair she's worn for the past three weeks and they're hardly soiled at all.

I had her try on yours and, though a little tight, they looked really smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean and shiny and in fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd been there so I could have put them on for you myself, as no
doubt many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. Just think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year.

When you take them off, remember to blow into them as they will be a little damp from wearing. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,
Dave.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testi@les for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived ... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled b@llock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important test@cle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - w@nkers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver

- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of tw*ts,

Yours psychotically

John

A holiday is something that turns someone who is tired into someone who is exhausted.

My cousin won a free trip to Australia. Now she's out there trying to win a free trip back.

I met my husband when I wanted to buy a holiday. He was the last resort.

I went on holiday to forget everything. When I opened my suitcase I discovered I had
It's a really boring place. One day the tide went out and never came back.

I never take a holiday in case my boss finds out that I don't do anything.

I took a cheap charter flight. There was no in-flight movie. Instead the pilot flew low over a drive-in theatre.

The flight was so cheap that we had to fasten our Scotch tape on take off.

The plane was so old that it had an outside toilet.

However bad the in-flight movie is, don't walk out.

Subject: Letters of Divorce

Dear Husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last
straw!
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you
don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'm gone!

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your Ex-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good
woman' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much
to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't
work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week. The first
thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother
raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When
you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
my BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to
sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was
still on it. I prayed that is was a coincidence that my brother had just
borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was
$49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could
work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten
million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason
I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but Carl, my BROTHER,
was born CARLA. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!!

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.

Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and
left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
Same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled
with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2004.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
Requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to
my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw,
Which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could
be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife
1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.

Help requested.

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
----------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
---------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I"m going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No. Because he's really heavy"
---------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
-----------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
-----------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
-----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
----------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaaaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
--------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."
--------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
--------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm,
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."
--------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
-------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went
into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
"What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road.
------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was
in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist
said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."
-----------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat g*t!!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

---------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."
So that was nice."
--------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you
in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
--------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
-----------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
-----------------------------------------------------
My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for
the next 2 years.

Do you know how Stevie Wonder learned to play piano?

He lost his cigarettes on the mantle piece.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Every girl wants one guy to meet all her needs, while every guy wants all the girls to meet his one need.

I am a Short thing, but I get longer when you hold it. I pass between women's breasts, and I enter into a hole. What am I? A car seat belt, you dirty minded git.

Mary had a smelly Minge with pubes as dark as charcoal. So most the men go round the back and stick it up her arsehole!

Snow white has been thrown out of Disneyland. she pulled up her skirt, sat on Pinocchio's face & shouted lie u bastard, lie!

A man was dying of cancer. His son asked him: dad why do you keep on telling everyone that your dying of AIDS? He replied "So that when I die no one will fuck your mum".

Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother. "yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause."

An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play ANY musical instrument you like". An English man gives him a guitar, which he plays better than Jimmy Hendrix. An Irishman gives him a piano, which he plays better than Elton John. A Scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes, and the Scotsman says "What's wrong? Canny you not play it?". The Octopus says "play it? I'm gonna fuck her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!".

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged.

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